Confused at the crossroads.

it does't take long for you to realise that you are not where you want to be. What i mean is, you wouldn't have envisaged where you are now when you were say, 7. At  7 the world seemed unfair. Sleeping at 9.30 pm every night. Not being able to pick your own Mc Donald's meal and yes grudgingly wearing shorts to school. Personally i don't think that i have learned a lot from my past. i court trouble. i dig my own grave. well mistakes are a norm in a young adult's life yet i have failed myself more times than i have made good. Somehow it is difficult to go on and hold your head up high and participate in society. The "what the fuck" attitude can bail you out so many times, one day you will fuck yourself and just break down and cry. My father has always instilled a never say die attitude, yet he never did explain the intricacies of never giving up. where do you say, "stop"? where do you say "go on"? well being the cynic that he is i guess I've got to figure that out for myself. make my own mistakes, pick myself up, and learn. Foolish? yes. i am a foolish person. yet i never can see that and pull the brakes till i'm too late. at 21 i'm still as jumpy and insecure when i was 7. "what is so special about you" ? Nothing. I'm just a boring grumpy sod.

why so serious....

i though the nightmare would be over the constant loathing the never ending struggle to be NOT rude, everything i thought ill of during the 6 wasted hours a week of english would be gone whence the latter lecturer departed for pastures new. nay said reality and thus i am stuck with this morose hag who demands respect as if it is her birth right. hello madam goggly eyes this is not the fifth form, neither is it the swixth form of the run of the mill highschool this is a university, well sorta, its a shitty place to study but i pay next to nothing so i am not complaining. she is either deaf dumb or all of the aforementioned as im struggling to find anything wrong with my entrance, i knocked three times acknowledged her and took a seat. frthermore she is lamenting that I have bad discipline, well true but not rude. i may be slack in that department but i never mean any disrespect. unless you idiotically pick on me and then yes your crossing over to my fuck off list, ahhh the fuck off list, tis a list of all the people i would laugh at if anything untoward happen to them... yes imma bad s.o.b but im the same bad s.o.b thats sitting n your class for the sake of my attendance marks... all in all the bitch is a bitch.... and i don't know if its menopause or if it is just the disdain and towards malay, bt this melayu dogol will not bow down to your bitchiness..... take that fucking baton out of your saggy menopausal arse and deal with the truth and reality.... this aint highscool lady and not all of us are as..... inhibited in our english as  think we are....

dollar bills, pain , reality..... bitches you want to know.

in this world of materialism one simply cannot run from the truth. money is happiness. being someone who comes from a middle income family an extra twenty ringgit a week gives me boundless pleasures but to some  , a twenty barely scratches an itch. money is undeniably important and to live well you need a steady income. currently, i do not have one, i have never felt at liberty in spending and nor shall i in the near future, unless bapak becomes a minister after the elections and i'm suddenly shoved into a prepy varsity whereby upon graduation i'd be earning comfortably, alas that is not so, i study in UiTM the last bastion of the Malays, it doesn't even resemble a campus, its just one in name. out of foolishness and stupidity thats where i find myself, and not in some posh varsity, be it local or overseas, yet i have strongly opposed the idea of fleeing this great land and migrating abroad, some factors have compelled me to think about it. people change, they get older they learn through experience and they feel very differently about certain things. i however have not, i am still this hopeless romantic who thinks that poetic justice will prevail, apparently it doesn't neither does karma, thats just bullshit to make you feel better, i have learned that justice or fairness only prevails to those who have a heart and understands that every action has a reaction. not just in physics but in real life as well. so who cares if you've cried in a car in the middle of the road clad in a baju melayu, who cares if you felt dissapointed, who cares if you feel betrayed, nobody in the end... Ian Fleming is a genius in some respects as he portrays 007 as a perfect gentleman to me. ruthless yet mindful, something i want to adopt. because in the end no matter how much pain you feel, no matter how many tears you cry, no matter how many pieces your heart has been shredded the truth is, its all in your head. there are choices, see things dispassionately and objectively, never assume that self worth is what others think of you, it is what you have inside you.....

untitled.....

during the eid holidays Astro prima aired a very touchy feely drama, entitled "city of angels" at first i was a bit skeptic as it starred meg ryan and also that guy from the national treasure thingamajig, hardly a perfect match. the movie, however reduced me to tears as the story was so helplessly foolish, and romantic. and i am a sucker for these kinda movies, it tells a story of an angel who falls in love with a human, meg ryan who is a heart surgeon who is totally detached from her emotions till it's too late. she dies in the end. a cruel ending as it were. the angel had given up his divine powers and became a normal human which could feel, could comprehend emotions. he felt pain, anguish, happiness, elation every possible emotion imaginable. alas in the end he feels the ultimate pain of losing someone he dearly loves.... ironic. i was reduced to tears not because of the dramatic ending, i cried because i was scared of facing that situation when you work so hard to make it happen, your arduous pursuit of happiness seemingly bearing fruit and poof.... its just gone. without warning, without anything, just a vacuum in your heart that metamorphosis into  a black whole into your soul sucking the very marrow of your soul, until it lays bare, barren , dry , ruined... i am devastated by those thoughts and it has been puling at my heart strings ever since....

Eid Mubarak

it has been a crazy few months. whereby logic and rational have been a luxury. i do not foresee an upturn in fortunes, i just hope i don't die. yet. the only regret i will have in life is i don't fulfill potential which so many have seen in me. i fail to recognise myself as someone interesting, i'm certainly a square peg in a round hole. everywhere i go, it is like that, misunderstood. even to the ones closest to me, mum, dad, grandparents friend, and at times  the love of my life as well, i try to fit in, others seem to seamlessly assimilate to their environment, so much so, i look like a freak most of the time, lying down at the corridors, sitting in between the stacks in the library.... things that are peculiar to some, but normal to me. but i'll be square in this round world and hope those whom i love very much will stick around and see me realise potential betrothed by the masses of educated opinions.

Le regretter

part of growing up is making your own decisions and living with the consequences, i was raised as such and lived my life based on this, my father and mother raised me as a sprightly young chap who had the freedom of thought and of speech, however as i grew older, such liberties were not afforded as words, thoughts and decisions might not be affable or agreeable to the plurality of society, and so we curb our tongues and learn self control. However, "what ifs" emerge. What if did not, what if i did what if this what if that, for me the only what if i had was about going to my fathers alma mater and continued the legacy of my family and adding a little shine to my humble resume later on in life, other than that i do not recall any regrets, or missed oppurtunities. In my humble opinion if it still pulls at your hearts strings, than solve it, read it, get over it, whatever. baggage is baggage and some might be so damaging that the bright light you were born with fades and fades till it becomes a speck in this already gloom abyss, which is today's world. however if regrets do still play around in any of your minds believe me, i apologies and if those what ifs persists please pursue them as it brings no good in thinking of what might have been, make it happen and be done with it... =)
 no reggretter -edith piaf-

Hope....

as i lay waiting for my parents to send me home to campus, i can't help but notice the hope in their voices, the belief in their eyes and the sacrifice. i wonder how sch emotions are born. it is love of the highest order, i'm a fuck up to put things in perspective and deemed a failure by many, i hope to see the glitter in their eyes yet again. a glitter of happiness and pride in their first born. this belief weighs heavily on my shoulders and i often stumble and fall. all i can do is hope. hope in myself and believe in equal measure....

What I'm missing out on.....

I thought that a loose order of things used to exist and there were limits to social interaction. How wrong i was though, in the midst of my foolishness i bore witness to, in my worthless opinion an act of most horrid nature. Yet it, to the minds of the people who experienced it, quite all right. and was forgiven as nonchalantly as a master wold forgive a witless slave. All the more amusing it became as i learned that the person who committed such offence was well educated, thus one does wonder how social scenario does arise in this day and age, to old I might be in thought, and yes times have changed since, but what i saw was simply.... horrid.  Therefore I begin to question my existence, am I the only ponce who still believes in old values, or am i becoming to old for my time? Am i missing out on youth? Or maybe the idea of youth itself has changed considerably. The tempest which consumed me was not borne of impatience, no, it was borne out of sheer disbelief that such acts were seen as banter. If so, than i am in the wrong company. As liberal as i am, i do know the difference between jest and sexual harassment. I myself am not perfect, admittedly, i too succumb to vices of pleasure, yet in private, and not so boldly upon the canvas of social networks. Do i change? Join the ranks of mindless inbreeds? Or salvage some sanity, what little that remains of course. What has become of me? Riled by sudden stupidity and insolence, Must i realise that this is the world now, where everything is possible, a man who was a beggar in a village is master of a city, the man who was a master in the city lies hungry on the pavements, a man who is taught well, is the pariah , whereas the swine climb ever so prominently to the top with tales of promise yet hollow in nature. I am muhammad ariff bin mohd tuah. i have made bad choices, but i will live with them. and make good of what is to come. Life fucks me, yes... but as any student learns,the threshold of pain reminds oneself of former station and it is best not to revisit them.

She....

I happen to love this woman with all my life, no matter how hard i try to deny it, in anger. She has made me happy. And still does. However things have become harder, more complicated and less logical. Regardless of what she thinks, I have none other than her in my heart, and if it comes to pass that she leaves, she has forever imprinted herself in my life forever.

being sold down.....

In life there are people who care and there are people who just care about themselves. They become so selfish. Then it turns into paranoia and thus what comes next is a red haze of jealousy, distrust and a scintilla of madness. Whence said emotions are felt, their own shameless vices are thoroughly disregarded. Then comes the baseless accusations, mortifying theories which compel even the most schizophrenia suffering people of this age. I don't know if it is the current scheme of things but accusing another of their own vices seem to be a cancer which rages on and turns the sane to insane. Such displays of shameless vices or infidelity gives birth to guilt, which is a monster, blood thirsty, angry, deranged... just waiting to be sated by the ever ready mental torture which is guilt. When guilt rushes into their veins, self redemption is as swift in coming as the ripple of water kissed by a breeze. These individuals find someone, usually close to them, and make them rag dolls, punching bags, as if every blow they deliver erases every inch of guilt that is splattered across their conciseness. I called this being sold down because its the same feeling, whats worse if you were totally innocent yet still treated as filth, wait filth is putting it mildly, crap. yes crap. It tears yo cell from cell. limb from limb, it even tears apart your soul.   

And I'm Back

salutations to would be readers, if your reading this, you might be just bored or you really want to waste what time you have. I used to have a blog, it didn't last. Lets just leave it at that. My term holidays have gone by, so has she. I honestly put no blame on the circumstances of both on anything else but myself, so I am on a quest to search my soul and find what the hell is the problem. anyways... do look forward to more reads and posts.... ta... =)