sebak di dada entah mengapa.....

tatkala jari jariku laju melewati abjad abjad di laptop ini, hatiku merasa sebak entah mengapa. jiwa yang rapuh menjadi kepingan debu dik beralun di gelumang kehidpan. tidak ku tahu mengapa atau bagaimana, namun hati ini tidak tenang menempuh kehidupan esok yang masih belum pasti. sebak ini melemahkan jasad hinggakan fikiran  menjadi celaru dan tak menentu. sebak ini bukan seperti selalu, sebak ini menggamit perasaan, seperti terperangkap di dalam bongkah kaca. melihat dunia beredar tetapi tidak dapat merubah apa apa. hatiku sebak, entah mengapa.

Feel Again....

Being stuck, being stuck by any stretch of the imagination is already depressing, living life everyday calls for every ounce of your sanity and reason. The latter statement is a real life reflection of my life, which has been stagnant since i graduated high school. I am not the happiest person in the world currently, no, i know it sounds selfish and pathetic, but the absence of a friend or anyone in that matter to talk to without facing judgement is hard to come by these days. Thus i write. I know some of you think that i have no right projecting my problems to the world, and by blogging about my personal strife is really not on. Honestly I don't give a damn. Read my blog at your leisure or don't read at all. I am not after any pity nor empathy. This is the only way i distress without distressing other people. I am running out of things that make me happy. I am running the risk of becoming like my grandfather and father before me who turned cynic at a very young age. Cynicism, i think personally is one's fear of being wrong, thus they form theories to shoot facts and balm their own bruised ego. I do not wish to be as such, as opinions are exhilarating to comprehend. As i enjoy complications and thinking about them, cynicism is something i can ill afford. When did i become so limited in my thoughts, so narrow minded in my judgments and so unforgiving in regards to myself. Where has the starry eyed energetic boy that dreamed gone to? Where has all that confidence and chivalry gone to? Where has the life gone to? Being pulled around in a hundred directions has made him inelastic. Like a rubber which has been pulled to its threshold, it never returns to its original state after, it becomes loose, it becomes so un rubber-like, it has become almost useless. This scares me, i'm barely into my adulthood and i feel tired. Something has sucked my joie de vivre, and i'm in a hurry to rediscover that. I need to start living again. I need to feel again.

Confused at the crossroads.

it does't take long for you to realise that you are not where you want to be. What i mean is, you wouldn't have envisaged where you are now when you were say, 7. At  7 the world seemed unfair. Sleeping at 9.30 pm every night. Not being able to pick your own Mc Donald's meal and yes grudgingly wearing shorts to school. Personally i don't think that i have learned a lot from my past. i court trouble. i dig my own grave. well mistakes are a norm in a young adult's life yet i have failed myself more times than i have made good. Somehow it is difficult to go on and hold your head up high and participate in society. The "what the fuck" attitude can bail you out so many times, one day you will fuck yourself and just break down and cry. My father has always instilled a never say die attitude, yet he never did explain the intricacies of never giving up. where do you say, "stop"? where do you say "go on"? well being the cynic that he is i guess I've got to figure that out for myself. make my own mistakes, pick myself up, and learn. Foolish? yes. i am a foolish person. yet i never can see that and pull the brakes till i'm too late. at 21 i'm still as jumpy and insecure when i was 7. "what is so special about you" ? Nothing. I'm just a boring grumpy sod.

why so serious....

i though the nightmare would be over the constant loathing the never ending struggle to be NOT rude, everything i thought ill of during the 6 wasted hours a week of english would be gone whence the latter lecturer departed for pastures new. nay said reality and thus i am stuck with this morose hag who demands respect as if it is her birth right. hello madam goggly eyes this is not the fifth form, neither is it the swixth form of the run of the mill highschool this is a university, well sorta, its a shitty place to study but i pay next to nothing so i am not complaining. she is either deaf dumb or all of the aforementioned as im struggling to find anything wrong with my entrance, i knocked three times acknowledged her and took a seat. frthermore she is lamenting that I have bad discipline, well true but not rude. i may be slack in that department but i never mean any disrespect. unless you idiotically pick on me and then yes your crossing over to my fuck off list, ahhh the fuck off list, tis a list of all the people i would laugh at if anything untoward happen to them... yes imma bad s.o.b but im the same bad s.o.b thats sitting n your class for the sake of my attendance marks... all in all the bitch is a bitch.... and i don't know if its menopause or if it is just the disdain and towards malay, bt this melayu dogol will not bow down to your bitchiness..... take that fucking baton out of your saggy menopausal arse and deal with the truth and reality.... this aint highscool lady and not all of us are as..... inhibited in our english as  think we are....

dollar bills, pain , reality..... bitches you want to know.

in this world of materialism one simply cannot run from the truth. money is happiness. being someone who comes from a middle income family an extra twenty ringgit a week gives me boundless pleasures but to some  , a twenty barely scratches an itch. money is undeniably important and to live well you need a steady income. currently, i do not have one, i have never felt at liberty in spending and nor shall i in the near future, unless bapak becomes a minister after the elections and i'm suddenly shoved into a prepy varsity whereby upon graduation i'd be earning comfortably, alas that is not so, i study in UiTM the last bastion of the Malays, it doesn't even resemble a campus, its just one in name. out of foolishness and stupidity thats where i find myself, and not in some posh varsity, be it local or overseas, yet i have strongly opposed the idea of fleeing this great land and migrating abroad, some factors have compelled me to think about it. people change, they get older they learn through experience and they feel very differently about certain things. i however have not, i am still this hopeless romantic who thinks that poetic justice will prevail, apparently it doesn't neither does karma, thats just bullshit to make you feel better, i have learned that justice or fairness only prevails to those who have a heart and understands that every action has a reaction. not just in physics but in real life as well. so who cares if you've cried in a car in the middle of the road clad in a baju melayu, who cares if you felt dissapointed, who cares if you feel betrayed, nobody in the end... Ian Fleming is a genius in some respects as he portrays 007 as a perfect gentleman to me. ruthless yet mindful, something i want to adopt. because in the end no matter how much pain you feel, no matter how many tears you cry, no matter how many pieces your heart has been shredded the truth is, its all in your head. there are choices, see things dispassionately and objectively, never assume that self worth is what others think of you, it is what you have inside you.....

untitled.....

during the eid holidays Astro prima aired a very touchy feely drama, entitled "city of angels" at first i was a bit skeptic as it starred meg ryan and also that guy from the national treasure thingamajig, hardly a perfect match. the movie, however reduced me to tears as the story was so helplessly foolish, and romantic. and i am a sucker for these kinda movies, it tells a story of an angel who falls in love with a human, meg ryan who is a heart surgeon who is totally detached from her emotions till it's too late. she dies in the end. a cruel ending as it were. the angel had given up his divine powers and became a normal human which could feel, could comprehend emotions. he felt pain, anguish, happiness, elation every possible emotion imaginable. alas in the end he feels the ultimate pain of losing someone he dearly loves.... ironic. i was reduced to tears not because of the dramatic ending, i cried because i was scared of facing that situation when you work so hard to make it happen, your arduous pursuit of happiness seemingly bearing fruit and poof.... its just gone. without warning, without anything, just a vacuum in your heart that metamorphosis into  a black whole into your soul sucking the very marrow of your soul, until it lays bare, barren , dry , ruined... i am devastated by those thoughts and it has been puling at my heart strings ever since....

Eid Mubarak

it has been a crazy few months. whereby logic and rational have been a luxury. i do not foresee an upturn in fortunes, i just hope i don't die. yet. the only regret i will have in life is i don't fulfill potential which so many have seen in me. i fail to recognise myself as someone interesting, i'm certainly a square peg in a round hole. everywhere i go, it is like that, misunderstood. even to the ones closest to me, mum, dad, grandparents friend, and at times  the love of my life as well, i try to fit in, others seem to seamlessly assimilate to their environment, so much so, i look like a freak most of the time, lying down at the corridors, sitting in between the stacks in the library.... things that are peculiar to some, but normal to me. but i'll be square in this round world and hope those whom i love very much will stick around and see me realise potential betrothed by the masses of educated opinions.